Spin around

(Dear Anonymous -- Thank you for your request for the rest of my fairy-tale. The rest of this post talks about why it hasn't been born yet. Please bear with me for now.)

Once again, it has been a long time. Why? Because the words flowing from my pen (yes, I have written on paper in the interim) have been ones too explicit to share. Too personal to speak, even in the relative anonymity of cyber-space.

I guess one difference between a professional writer and an amateur rambler is the discipline of writing. The former would be productive, regardless. (Right? Makes sense, I think.) The latter is at the mercy of what jumps to her pen (or her typing finger-tips, as the case may be).

In this rambler's case -- so many of my thoughts have been about you, that I don't know what to write when I cast about for words on any alternate topic. How do I push you out of my mind?

There isn't an answer to that question because I still don't want to push you out of my mind. I liked having you there. Not too long ago, you were my source of joy and light. You lit up my whole life, all the corners of my mind. Thoughts of you touched and painted in rainbow colours all of my words. There was room for the whole world in my mind, and everything was possible.

And then, things started clouding. I don't know how or when or why. (Some day, I should end my love affair with prepositions, right? Isn't happening today, though.) The turbulent skies spread and filled the corners of my mind and pushed the world out. They pushed me on to this merry-go-round of trying to understand us. I am not having fun on this ride. I'm merely getting nauseated.

Yesterday, I thought I had sorted it out to our mutual satisfaction. I was so ready to jump off the stupid merry-go-round. I was so happy to see sunny skies again. But, no... the background has changed, but I'm still spinning.